Troy Polamalu Retires in Order to Pursue a Singing Career (Satire)

August 22, 2010   ·     ·   Jump to comments

This morning, All-Pro Steelers safety Troy Polamalu shocked the world by announcing he would cut his celebrated NFL Career short in order to pursue a singing career.
When asked what motivated his early retirement, he responded:
"Well, you see, everyone compares me to MJ [Michael Jackson, a renowned singer/songwriter who died in June of 2009], saying that I talk like him and everything. So a couple days ago I thought, 'Hey, if I talk like MJ, then that means I can sing like him, right?'
So I drove to downtown Pittsburgh, found the nearest karaoke bar, and sang along to a medley of Thriller, Beat it, and Black or White."
After those events, he was noticed by an agent for the Epic Records, the same label that signed Michael Jackson. The agent claimed "I've seen many Michael Jackson tribute singers, but none of them were nearly as spot-on as Troy was. It's absolutely incredible."
Epic Records then signed Polamalu to a four-year, $35,214,569 recording contract. Th...

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